A Cold Wax Nightmare

Hair removal manufacturers have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless hair removal for years, whirling gadgets that pull your hair, sandpaper, creams, scissors, razors, and, of course, cold wax. I found this story and it was so akin to my first cold waxing experience that I thought I would share it with you. You will then understand why I favor hot wax hair removal over cold.

My night began like any normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, bathe and play with  the kids. Everyone was finally in bed and I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the cupboard."

I headed to what became a torture chamber, my bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits. You don't melt a clump of wax to a honey consistency; you just rub the strips together in your hand. They supposedly get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So, I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in and I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees ("cold wax", yeah...right!). I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I'm back in the bathroom for the ultimate hair-fighting showdown. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my who-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself..! . RRRRIIIPPP!!!! I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!!!

Once my vision returned, I notice that I'd only managed to pull off half the strip. HOLY COW!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! The world is swirling and I'm seeing spots everywhere. I think I may passout...must stay conscious...do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy, a wax-covered strip, the one that had caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory of a smooth, hair-free bikini line. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I look down; foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. Oh no! I am now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. DAMN!!!!!!!! I feel my upper thighs stick together. I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do.

What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and hope the wax will melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? So, I get in the tub. The water is hot enough to sterilize surgical equipment.  I sit. So far, so good. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub!!!!!

God bless the man who convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter. "So" I say, "my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub." There is a slight pause. She may have a secret trick for removal but she's laughing too hard at first to tell me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located. I explain and " she begins laughing harder now...I can hear. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH Right! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions, I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your nether region covered in sticky wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaved! By now my brain is not working, dignity gone and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need post-traumatic stress counseling to boot.

My friend is still talking to me when I finally see my saving grace.... the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOSH!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really didn't care by then. "IT'S WORKING!! IT'S WORKING!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point. Next week I'm going to try hair color.

In an effort to remove all our unwanted body hair we will often try anything!  I have been hot-waxing my legs for over 25 years. I highly recommend this method of hair removal. There's a bit of a learning curve, but it is easy, clean and the advantages definately outweigh the disadvantages.  The only thing better than waxing is laser hair removal which is permanent but costly.

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